Fauxpologies, schmauxpologies

 Photo credit: Microsoft Clip Art (text is mine)

You know what the “fauxpology” is all about:

“I’m sorry that you were offended.”

“I meant no harm.”

“I was only joking.”

Blah blah blah.

Now, some of you want something more. You want a real apology. An apology that not only knows that what was said was wrong wrong wrong, but comes with a promise that it will never happen again, and if I should inadvertently offend again, I will prostate myself to your mercy.

What about this novel idea?

Let’s not give a damn about the fauxpologies.

Hoping for a real apology from someone who is not really sorry is like hoping to redo childhood so that it’s happy happy joy joy.

It’s not going to happen.

Give it up, and choose to be happy anyway.

When wrong is done to me, I would far prefer justice to apology.

And sometimes, justice comes in the form of not giving a damn about past insults and being happy anyway.

Stop wishing and hoping that professional trolls like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter will see how wrong they have been all these years. (Especially when being wrong is mega-profitable.)

If someone speaks in a tone-deaf way – write about it, for sure. Expose it to the light of reason.

But do not expect or demand apology, for it may not come in the way you wish.

Demanding an apology makes you look like an…

Photo credit: Monica Weas (stock.xchng)

(Get it?)

When reporters from CNN were, according to some circles, insufficiently condemning of the two young men convicted of rape in Steubenville, Ohio, not one but two petitions demanding an apology appeared on Change.org.

Leaving aside the question of why the average CNN viewer – and not, say, the actual rape victim – warrants an apology from the network, this drama got me thinking about apologies in general…and why you shouldn’t demand them even if you truly deserve them.

First of all, the true bad actors among us really aren’t sorry. They can’t be; if they were, they wouldn’t be bad actors. The bad actor will capitulate to a public apology in order to look good and/or to get you to shut up. Do not be surprised when the bad actor makes the same error again. And again.

Secondly, people with good hearts who make errors out of ignorance become defensive when others make angry demands. If I said something which was inadvertently offensive, a gently worded statement as to how my words were offensive would, most likely, bring out an apology from me. A shrill demand would not. That is human nature at work – no one likes the sound of “gimme!”

When someone does wrong to us, it is natural to get angry. It is natural to want life to be made right again, preferably by the person who did wrong to you in the first place.

We should not let our anger turn us into whiners, however. We should present a face of calm and let the offender apologize in his or her own time – sincerely. If that sincere apology does not come, we should rise above it and move on. Insist on reparations if justified – but apology is a moral, not legal, matter. As such, let’s take the high ground and not become 

 Photo credit: IMJ Studios (stock.xchng)

(I’ll bet you get it now.)

And now, a few words about apology

…no, this is not me apologizing for not standing during the national anthem!

I don’t often write about popular news topics on this blog, for two excellent reasons:

1. Popular news tends to be boring and banal and base, and

2. You’re sick of hearing about it, too – that’s why you’re here instead of CNN/MSNBC/Huffington Post/your city newspaper site, isn’t it?

Today, I’m going to make an exception to this rule. I’m not going to wonder if you heard the Tiger Woods apology this morning – most of you have. The fact that an athlete apologizing for marital infidelity is considered a SPECIAL REPORT by CBS, NBC, and ABC – and more important than the man who flew his plane into an IRS building yesterday – says something about America, and it is not good.



What we saw was a professional golfer standing at a podium, looking like a kid waiting for the principal to see him, reading a pre-written statement that was heavy with the clichés that a flyover state sportswriter might reach for at 2 a.m. – “I have let down my fans,” “I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply,” “Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count,” and so on.

Is Woods truly sorry? Is this another step in his rehab? Or is this just another one of those BS PR apologies that makes thinking people yawn? I do not know, and it doesn’t matter to me. But it did make me ponder the meaning of apology.

An apology is a gift – not an obligation. Tiger Woods does not owe the press or public an apology. I would go so far as to say that he doesn’t even owe it to his wife – the one person to whom this matters the most. He should apologize only

1. If his remorse is sincere, and

2. If he is going to stop the offending behavior.

Issue #2 is most important. Don’t waste your breath or my time with an apology if you’re going to keep on keepin’ on.

Suppose I was driving down the street, and from out of nowhere a pink paintgun pellet strikes one of my car doors. (This actually happened years ago.) If I had to choose between an apology and the money to repaint the door, I would choose the money. (In real life, I received neither, and the pink stain remained on my car to the day I traded it in.) Words are only words – it is action that counts. Please do what you can to alleviate the wrong.

We the public will not see, and should not see, whether or not Woods will change (unless he errs again in the same spectacular way.) I say let’s all keep an eye on ourselves and our behavior first, not a puffed-up SPECIAL REPORT. (Remember when SPECIAL REPORTS were actually special and announced events of world-shaking importance? But that’s another post for another day.)